5 thoughts...

I have been thinking about this blog for a week now. I am not sure everything will come out how I planned, but here goes.

After a lot of ups and down/life lessons in my 23 years, I have learned a few things about myself.

1. I love others hard.

I love people hard. I give them everything I have and I usually do that pretty quickly. This goes for friends and romantic relationships. I am not scared of a deep emotional connection. Why would I waste my time with someone if I am not going to give it all I've got? Now this can end in awesome relationships or it can end with a lot of pain. I have had both. I have found incredible friends who give me everything they have in return and love me just as hard. I have found life long friends who have been through it all with me and are still here. They know exactly who I am and they aren't going anywhere. I have also lost people I really care for because of this. I have loved others hard who are not ready for that. I have dated people who don't share this same trait. I give more than I receive and sometimes it leaves me feeling empty when they choose to step away. I used to be sorry for this. I used to feel stupid for being able to feel all the feels at 100%. I used to try and hide this part of me and act like I didn't care. Here is the truth, I do care. I care a heck of a lot and I am not sorry for that. Even if I lose someone I really cared about, I am happy to have had the time I did to love them hard. I know what I can control and that is all I choose to focus on. So if you are someone that falls fast and loves hard, don't ever change. Your emotional depth is special and rare. Don't let anyone take that from you and keep loving others well. This world needs that right now. Take each loss as a lesson and carry it with you.

2. I am not scared to fail.

The idea of someone telling me "no" does not scare me. Maybe it is the fact like I try a lot of things and if you do the math, I am more likely to hear "no" way more than I hear "yes." Maybe it is my years of dancing where receiving criticism and "no" is part of your daily routine. Maybe it is that I believe with all my heart that God has a plan for me and if it is not this then it must be something else. A few years ago I reframed the way I think and saw that failure is an opportunity. It is an opportunity to grow, learn, reevaluate, and push forward. Whether it is a failure in school, a failed relationship, or a failed step toward a dream, you can find opportunities to better yourself. If you are so scared to fail that you will not put yourself out, how will you ever know if this was your time to succeed? You are standing in your own way if you don't allow yourself the opportunity see if you can do it. If you never try to work out your relationship or try with that one person, you'll never know if it would have worked out for you two. If you never try apply for that job or go to that audition you will never know if that may have been it. I am not saying it is easy, but if you don't even try to fight for it how will you ever know? Stop letting other people tell you it is not ok to fail. Go for it. Stop waiting for the "right time." Because the "right time" could be now and you're letting it pass by.

3. I sell out.

This kind of goes hand in hand with loving others hard, but I sell out for the things I love and the things I am passionate about. I will not settle for things that do not bring me joy. I am not afraid to fail and then course correct to a path that is best for me. It is cool to care. It is cool to have passion. Stop being quiet about what makes you excited. Who cares what Karen from college on instagram thinks? There are way more people rooting you on than you even know. The negative Nancys are just louder, but we can choose to not listen to them. Sell out. Give it your whole heart. Whatever it is, just give it all you got.

4. I have learned to see my worth.

By no means is this something I am a poster child of. I am the queen of forgetting my worth and settling for what I think I deserve. I become blind to the things I NEED. I have had more breakups than I would like to admit and here's a secret... I am usually dumped. I'll be honest, it sucks. The feeling of being unlovable and worthless sucks. The pain is real and does not lessen no matter how many times you have felt it. However, I have learned to evaluate things from a clear perspective when it has happened. I look clearly at the places in the relationships (romantic or friendships) where I was blind to the fact that I was settling to please the other. I will hold back parts of me in order to please the other person. Why do I allow the other person who have everything they WANT at the cost of the things I NEED? It has been 23 years coming, but I now know I deserve someone that chooses me. I deserve someone who wakes up every day and picks me. I deserve someone who loves all parts of me. I deserve someone that makes me feel safe enough to show all parts of me. I deserve someone who fosters a safe environment to love deeply. I deserve someone that views me as an equal. I deserve someone that will fight for me just as hard as I would fight for them. I deserve honesty and transparency. I deserve to get as much as I put in. Guess what? You deserve all of that too. Do not allow yourself to let go of NEEDS and boundaries to please others. You deserve someone who gives you 100% too. Whether that is a friend or significant other, you deserve to feel wanted, appreciated, and respected. Know your worth. I promise with each new lesson you learn, you will uncover more of how special you are. Just make sure you choose people who know your worth without having to explain it to them.

5. I forget that it is ok to be a beginner.

This is one lesson I am still very much learning. This sounds like I am contradicting point #2, but I will try to explain the difference. I don't know about you all, but in a world full of social media I see all of these people doing things and doing them well. What I forget is that I am not seeing all the outtakes there are from failed times the tried before they got it. I get nervous trying new activities because instead of being proud of myself for learning something new, I am looking next to me knowing that I will not look like that other person. Well guess what? No one cares enough to stop and watch you. I am thinking of the first time I went rock climbing not too long ago. I was so worried that I would look like a fool because it had been over 10 years since I lasted touched a rock wall. I was looking at people who climb regularly and thinking "I won't look like that." I, then, realized that no one cared enough to stop and watch me climb. Taking that idea, I started looking at times in life where I had been embarrassed to be a beginner and realized it was such a waste of time and effort. Everyone is a beginner at some point and today if just happens to be your first day. Everyone has been where you are before and they get it. Just think, because you chose to be a beginner today you will some day be as good as the person you are comparing yourself too. I am proud of you for choosing to begin today. That takes a lot of courage. Allow yourself to be a beginner. Allow yourself to learn. Allow yourself to enjoy the growth. I am proud of you.

I have recently been given an obstacle where I was left feeling stupid, worthless, and like there was something wrong with me. It still hurts a lot, but it has forced me to see these things about myself. Every person that comes into your life might not be there forever. Appreciate the times you had, be thankful for what they taught you, and love them from afar as your path goes beyond them. It may take a few attempts to find the things that bring you joy, but put yourself out there and feel all the feels. There is nothing wrong with that.